Monthly Archives: October 2024

The struggle to be heard.

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To be “heard” is to be visible, to be acknowledged as valued and appreciated.

Today is the 55th birthday of my incredibly articulate late-diagnosed autistic son.  Today he posted about marking the completion of his having to date traveled 32,120,000,000 miles around the sun.

His writing is thoughtful, moving, honest. But between his autism and what looks like is going to be diagnosed as a bad case of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, the only place he can hope to be heard is over the internet. He really needs to write his autobiography, but that’s a challenge I don’t think he can find the “spoons” to master.
He  ends his post with this final poignant statement:

Thirty-two trillion miles is a long way to travel, and that doesn’t even include the miles accounted for by Earth’s rotation, let alone the rotation of our solar system around the galactic focus. That’s a lot of mileage I’ll be accruing even as my autistic and myalgic fatigue increasingly keeps me confined within a one-mile radius here in downtown St. Johns.

The passage of every mile, be it on foot or on orbit, subtracts a portion of life. I’ve already traveled a considerable portion of the way toward my death, and now I’m closing in on the reality that I mostly will move only as the planet carries me around the sun. So, then, maybe all of this is why I’m here, once again writing into the great and yawning abyss of the web: as my real geographies contract, perhaps I’m reaching—flailing, really—toward those ethereal, untouchable geographies.

For now, anyway. Until I quit on it again, or everything else up and quits on me. Which, at some point, it will, and must. As it will, and must,  for everyone.

So it goes.

Here we go again.

Happy Birthday, Bix. I wish I had the magic that could take away your pain –existential and otherwise.

I found MY “happy pill”!

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I’ve been on antidepressants on and off during most of my adult life. They would keep from getting too negative, but they never really helped me feel much better.

That’s because most prescribed antidepressants are “serotonin agonists”. Serotonin is one of the chemicals produced by the brain’s neurotransmitters that calms anxiety and keeps you from feeling negative and defeatist. A “serotonin agonist” is a substance that mimics the serotonin that your synapses are releasing to add to their effectiveness in instances when they have slowed down. (That is only a layperson’s simplistic description; I am not a doctor or scientist, but I’ve done a lot of reading about the process; a visual example is at the end of this post.)

It seems to me that, just as bodily functions cease to operate at maximum efficiency as we get older (and so we take statins and blood pressure meds etc.), the functions of the brain also slow down as we age. I posit that the lack of enough serotonin available to the aged brain can be the cause of so much of the depression we see in the elderly.

Now, not being depressed is not the same as feeling content and happy. I have discovered, for my purposes, that there is a pill for that.

One of the other chemicals produced by the brain’s neurotransmitters is dopamine, which plays a role in motivation and reward-seeking behavior. And that’s the happy pill: a “dopamine agonist” that helps the neurotransmitters and synapses create the dopamine necessary to have a positive effect on mood.

Now, why aren’t both serotonin agonists and dopamine agonists prescribed together? Actually, only recently, prescriptions like Abilify, which only partially deal with dopamine, are available. But they didn’t really work for me.

So now I take one serotonin agonist and one dopamine agonist.

And now I’m writing more, launched a national petition to improve senior housing,  just organized a Drum Circle at my senior center, and took on a project to write an interview of the author of Turning: The Magic and Mystery of More Days

As promised, here’s a visual of how neurotransmitters work, using dopamine as an example:

 

Still plugging away.

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I’m sending out Letters to the Editor and OpEd pieces promoting the petition to whatever publications I think might accept them.  Please feel free to send your own Letter to the Editor to your own local newspaper.  Meanwhile, inspired by “…they paved paradise and put in a parking lot…” from Joni Mitchell’s Big Yellow Taxi.

Revenant

Under a dark moon,
she hunts the land for what
she cannot leave behind:

the scent of marigold
crushed on skin;
the fragile grace
of seedling maples;
the soft acceptance
of lambs ear leaves —

all lost to the dark,
to a place too ruined
for digging.

Tirelessly, she wrestles
the ghosts she has come
to free from the hold
of reluctant stone,

from the evil spell
binding the earth once
worked with the patient
need of her hands.

Held by the moment,
I breathe deeply
the sharp-scented air,
search for signs
of moon in the sky,

pray to find
what has been lost
from her night
and from my own.

“Don’t Look Up”

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Actually DO look up “Don’t Look Up”, which is a movie currently streaming on Netflix.

It’s not your usual disaster movie, although it is about a meteor the size of Mount Everest hurtling toward Earth on a collision course.

I decided to watch it for the unexpected and notable cast:  Leonardo DiCaprio, Meryl Streep, Jennifer Lawrence, Cate Blanchette, Jonah Hill, Tyler Perry, Ariana Grande, Ron Perlman, and other recognizable actors.  One recognizable character was a take-off on Elon Musk.

I didn’t know what to expect from a “disaster” movie, and I’m not sharing any spoilers.  Suffice it to say, the acting was superb and the message, well, you’ll get it loud and clear and real.  I think that reviewers who didn’t like it missed the satirical point.

It might be me.

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I’ve been searching to find out who might be the oldest continuing personal blogger in the U.S.  Not a blogger who hawks services or products or is any kind of influencer.  Rather, a female blogger who posts about her life and times.  My search has yielded no information. I have been blogging since 2001, starting at kalilily.blogspot.com.   Is there any woman out there older than I (84) doing the same thing?

Back in December of 2001, I blogged about why  I started to blog.  It’s worth reprising here:

So, there are some discussions going these days on about the purpose and value of weblogs. Oddly enough, the other night at my bi-monthly group meeting, I mentioned that I had begun a weblog, and I was asked to explain what that was and why I was doing it, and why I just wasn’t keeping a journal. As I’ve said, I’ve unsuccessfully tried keeping journals before and I write so much slower than I think that I got frustrated and quit. I can type almost as fast as I think (I got used to doing that at the job from which I retired last year, which involved mostly whipping out quick documents for others to share and claim as their own.) So, it’s easier to do it on the computer. And why don’t I just keep a journal on disk, I was asked. The truth is, I admitted, is that I’m used to writing for an audience. And I like having an audience. Even my poems are usually written with an audience (sometimes of one) in mind. It’s why I ballroom dance. I’m a performer at heart. I need ways to say to the world: this is who I am. Look at me. Pay attention. It seems to me that that’s at the heart of why everyone else who keeps a blog does so. In a world where we all have to live up to expectations and assume roles for survival purposes (our own and others) — caregiver, mother, employee, citizen — it’s so satisfying to have a place where one can BE who one is. Or in some cases, where one can BE who one wants to BE. It really doesn’t matter. We can create who we want to be or be creative with who we are. Either way, one has an identity, a voice. In a way, it’s kind of a new art form — or at least it can evolve in some cases into such. How cool is that!

 

My African Drumming Addiction

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A couple of months ago, my senior center brought in a teacher of African Drumming, so I took the six Friday course, and loved it.  He is back for four weeks now in October, and I can’t wait.

My daughter came and recorded the last session he gave so that I could practice at home.  She said that I was the best one there, but, after all, many of the folks who were drumming barely had the strength to get a sound out of their drums, and their sense of the African rhythms was as weak as their hands.

I think my experience ballroom dancing helped a great deal to hone my sense of rhythm and my ability to improvise.

This new series starts this Friday, and I am psyched.  I even made a t-shirt with an image with djembe drums.

I remember a little boy.

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I remember a little boy
with a heavy brow
framing a careful gaze.

I don’t remember
where I lost him.
Maybe
it was at that fuel pump,
where I absentmindedly
drove off, only to see him,
in hindsight, running
down the road after me,
crying. Both of us
crying.

Maybe
it was during that
black and white
winter night, when
the only light was
moon on snow,
and I left him, alone
powerless, not knowing
that the dark house
would overtake him.

Maybe
I didn’t really lose him.
Maybe
it shouldn’t matter.

What matters is that
I still dream about
a little boy with
a heavy brow
and a dark gaze,
who is always reaching,
reeling, and running.

Massachusetts leads in funding for low income and accessible housing.

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Well, this might throw a glitch in our national petition for improved senior housing!  What might happen is that the Feds might say it’s a state responsibility, but we all know that few states are as liberal as Massachusetts.  Here’s what the MA legislation says, according to Mass.gov:

On Aug. 6, 2024 Governor Maura Healey signed the Affordable Homes Act into law. The historic legislation authorizes $5.16 billion in spending over the next five years along with nearly 50 policy initiatives to counter rising housing costs caused by high demand and limited supply.

The bill includes unprecedented authorizations in modernizing the state’s public housing system, boosts programs that support first-time homebuyers and homeownership, and resources to build more housing for low to moderate-income residents. It also includes many policy changes that will unlock housing production in our state, such as allowing accessory dwelling units, support for the conversion of vacant commercial space to housing and support for sustainable and green housing initiatives.

Gov. Healey believes Massachusetts can build more homes and build them faster, and the Affordable Homes Act, filed in October 2023, is how we will accomplish our mission.

The Executive Office of Housing and Livable Communities is now working on the implementation of the Affordable Homes Act. More information will be released in the coming weeks and months regarding key policy initiatives.

This is pretty much what our national petition is asking for on a national level. I wonder what this will all mean for our effort.