one hundred minutes of solitude

She got up early this morning, appearing , already dressed, at the side of my bed, saying that she would just stand there and I should go back to sleep. Right.

So, I got up made her a cup of coffee, which she drank and then went back to sleep.

Ah. Found time. My rare chance to revel in the healing hush of the now-lush landscape.

I took a cup of Earl Gray tea and a Portuguese sweet roll embedded with Muenster cheese and went out to the rocking chair on the screened-in breezeway. Calli, my cat, glad to follow me into the dappled morning, scooted out the door to hassle the chattering jays who have learned to keep their distance from the chittering cat.

I sit and sip in the peace of some needed minutes without demands. Hummingbirds come and go at the red and white plastic flower. An indigo bunting perches on a tree branch, uncertain about approaching its favorite feeder. Calli has her eye on it. A pair of mourning doves bill and coo on a fallen tree trunk. Somewhere behind the thick screen of leaves, the lake glistens at the clear blue sky. I wish I had a hammock.

We took her to a geriatric specialist last week, hoping that the doctor might have some advice on how to deal with where mom is at — which is a moderate to severe dementia. My sibling, who has been in denial about the severity of her condition, finally, I think, got it: it’s only going to get worse. His handling of her situation, and his attitude toward me, makes my work here much harder than it has to be. If I leave, it will be because of him, not her.

She is 91, but she still dances with me almost every night before she goes to bed. We are both still good dancers. It’s about the only thing we’ve ever had in common. Dancing calms her down.

Calm. It’s what we all need here.

And lot more than only 100 minutes of solitude.

a mother’s day reality bite

The Limerick Savant has put out a call for Mother’s Day limericks. I dare the jester to print this one, an original by this burned out, currently bitter caregiver:

Of mothers there are varied kinds.
Some are honored; some are maligned.
There’s no perfect mater
and sooner or later
you learn to accept what you find
To “mother” with grace is not easy.
You’re expected to always be breezy.
And when you mother your mother
‘cause a choice there’s no other
you likely go out of your mind.

Anyone with a Mother’s Day limerick to share, email your creative endeavor to limericksavant@gmail.com.

Obviously, I had a meltdown today. Told my sib I just don’t care anymore. Either he agrees to let me hire someone to come over here and give her some companionship, or I give him whatever money she gave me and I’m out of here. (The reasons why I only have those two choices are too dysfunctionally private to share here.)

I left home when I was 17 because I couldn’t get along with her (I’ve blogged about that before). When I thought she couldn’t live on her own anymore and she was always calling me long distance about various ailments, I decided to take her on, hoping that we both had changed enough to find a way to coexist — if not actually enjoy each other’s company. What an idiot I was.

I find that I don’t mind at all doing all of the chores, both for her personally and just general cooking and cleaning. I just can’t stand her company. I am a terrible daughter. And I don’t feel bad about that at all.

According this site, she’s nearing the end of stage 5 dementia, moving rapidly into stage 6. There’s one more stage after that, and she could live another decade. F**K!.

Assassination Christmas

Bizzare.

It’s Christmas. I just finished watching The Bourne Supremacy and made my mother some chicken soup, since she’s got what looks like a tooth abcess — swollen jaw and pain and on an antibiotic prescribed by her dentist after I called him at home early on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve I spent reading Hunter’s Moon, a paperback escapist novel that defies categorizing, but does feature an assassin who is a werewolf and a female who hires him to kill her because her mother is driving her crazy and she can’t bring herself to be mean to her mean mother.

Aha. A pattern here, bizarre though it might be.

A month or so ago, I rented Assassination Tango, a movie that deserves a lot more than the little attention it got. Robert Duvall made my mouth water. Perhaps there’s a little werewolf in me.

Loveable assassins. Wishful thinking?

That mesmerizing flow of light and dark. That dancing with your demons and stepping fast to keep your balance. Life with adventure, sweet danger, passion, power.

No dancing here for me this Christmas, though. Just fantasy assassins with heart.

Headologist at Work

If you’ve read any of Terry Pratchett’s Disc World series and have met Granny Weatherwax, you know what “headology” is. If you’ve never heard of that crafty ol’ witch, then you can pick up its meaning here. I just finished reading the Equal Rites piece of the series, thanks to a recommendation made to me by Annie, who used to blog and now just comments.

If you’ve read this blog before, you know how attuned I am to syncronicities, which are essential to the practice of headology. When my life finds itself at a confluence of synchronicities, I take notice. I’m taking notice because of the confluence of the following:
–former blogger Annie turns me on to Pratchett’s DiscWorld series and Granny Weatherwax just when my world begins to focus on my own oddly-shaped (lumbar spine) disc.
–just after I get back from my brother’s with one of his books that includes using earth-symbols to make talismans, one of the six women in my group calls me up and talks about wanting to a Solstice ritual and can I come up with one.
Rage Boy sends out one of his emails prefacing the following with details of his escalating misfortunes:

…they are certainties barring miracles that I’ve now gone and said I don’t believe in. This puts me in an awkward position vis-a-vis the supernatural forces that might have bailed me out if only I’d been a little less cheeky all these years. Or perhaps they mightn’t have bothered in any case. After all, as Modern Psychology & Sticky Wicca inform us: it’s all our fault no matter what.

Well, despite my believing Shakespeare’s reminder about where the fault lies, and despite my irreverent non-belief (which is not nearly as irreverent as Mr. Locke’s), there are such things as unified strings and the power of intent and the forces of blogger headologies.

So, I’m doing my Crone thing (again) for Chris and inviting you all to join me on the night of the full moon, December 8 (which is also the Catholic feast of the Immaculate Conception), to post this image, this talisman, this mandala, this wish for a reversal of fortune for Rage Boy. Imbue it with your prayers, your most noble intentions, your good thoughts, and, where appropriate, your major magic.
talisman2.jpg
And may we all blessed be.

P.S.
In addition to the five-pointed star and a representation of the Great Earth Mother, the image above includes
–a double dose of the Wheel of Law and a chrysanthemum, which are Chinese talismans for health, wealth, and happiness
–a conch, which Vishnu holds in his right hand as a symbol of the five elements; the conch also is symbolic of the awakening of the mind.
–a white lily, symbolic of the purity of the Immaculate Conception (and other legendary things as well)
–the alchemical symbol for Jupiter , which

is the thinking person’s Planet. As the guardian of the abstract mind, this Planet rules higher learning and bestows upon us a yen for exploring ideas, both intellectually and spiritually. Intellectually speaking, Jupiter assists us in formulating our ideology. In the more spiritual realm, Jupiter lords over religion and philosophy. A search for the answers is what Jupiter proposes, and if it means spanning the globe to find them, well, that’s probably why Jupiter also rules long-distance travel. In keeping with this theme, Jupiter compels us to assess our ethical and moral values. It also addresses our sense of optimism.

Luck and good fortune are often associated with Jupiter, and for good reason. This is a kind and benevolent Planet, one that wants us to grow and flourish. Jupiter may be judge and jury, but it’s mostly an honourable helpmate, seeing to it that we’re on the right path. While our success, accomplishments and prosperity are all within Jupiter’s realm, this largesse can, at times, deteriorate into laziness and sloth (Jupiter, at its worst, is associated with weight gain). More often than not, Jupiter will, however, guide us down the primrose path

–so, there, holding on to the arm of Jupiter, is our own Rage Boy.
Hang on, bubula, hang on.

P.P..S. (I stumble across more synchronicities.)
The alchemical sign for Jupiter is the same as the sign for Tin.
The Tin Man in OZ sees emptiness where his heart should be.

And ten years ago, I wrote this:
Tin Men and Fallen Angles
I am drawn to the dramas
of Tin Men and Fallen Angels,
the loose threads of their dreams
tangling too easily
with the thickets of my own.
Their gestures hint at faded grace.
Their eyes belie
the freedom of their stride.
Their touches fire the sun,
birthing shadows
fierce as flame.
I fly into those shadows
like a bat
out for blood.

© Elaine Frankonis 5/1993

And chaos reigns supreme.

chaos2.JPG
This is the view across the top of my roll-top desk, past my room divider, into my kitchen. Like my life. Chaos.

— Still getting over major tooth abcess and root canal work.

— Now mother hearing voices singing Polish Christmas Caroles while the podiatrist (who she insists is Polish but he’s not) is working on her hammer toe.

— While making broccoli soup in my Vita Mix, didn’t realize that the machine was set on high speed and the cover wasn’t on tight enough and — heh — broccoli bits all over everything, including me.

— Made batches of pesto with the harvested basil after I cleaned up the broccoli mess.

— Still not ready for the craft fair that I do once a year; need to print up signs, finish a few more items, and price everything. New items this year, thanks to a brainstorm of my breast-feeding daughter: washable nursing necklaces and shawls.

— Am almost done using putting transfers (that I printed up on my computer) on a special t-shirt to wear to BloggerCon.

— Finished harvesting my tomatoes, basil, and parsley; now have to clean out my garden before frost hits.

— Gotta get to the library to return Dan Brown’s Angels & Demons, which was so enthralling to me that I read it in one day (instead of cleaning up some of the chaos). As an ex-Catholic who went to 13 years of Catholic school and is totally fascinated with the lore of Church and its roots in paganism, I just loved this symbol, taken from the book:
earthairfirewater.jpg

— Gotta pick up The Secret Life of Bees, which is waiting for me at the library, as well as one of Judith Jance’s’ mysteries-on-tape that I can listen to on my way back and forth to Boston.

— Next stop is at Hannaford to pick up my mother’s prescription for Quinine for her leg cramps and then to Joanne’s for fabric to cover seams that I let out from a jacket I love that I made smaller years ago when I WAS smaller.

When my friend P stopped by after the tap-dancing class that we’re taking but I missed because of my root canal, we commiserated about how being retired isn’t what we wanted it to be. (Her 87-year-old ex-mother-in-law, to whom she’s close, has just been diagnosed with advanced breast cancer.) She thought that she would be spending her time resting, traveling, reading, having fun.

Whoever keeps trying to tell us that life can be just fun and games at any age is really selling us a bill of goods. I don’t know anyone whose life is that way.

Meanwhile, I’ve got to go battle chaos. And entropy. Always entropy.

Yes. America as a whole seems to have succumbed to entropy. And apathy.

Battle on, Xena.

Mother Load

“I sent you to college. You’re a teacher. You should be perfect.”

That’s what she said to me yesterday, my mother.

I don’t even remember what it was I did this time that didn’t meet with her approval. Not that it matters. I’ve spent my entire life repelling her disapprovals. But it does burn my butt that she still doesn’t get it.

Over on her weblog, Jeneane Sessum shares her current struggles to get beyond the load her mother laid on her. Mother-daughter stuff. Tough stuff.

I think I managed to do the mothering thing less destructively than my mother, although I certainly didn’t do it perfectly. Of course not.